


Rick and Stan's fucked up adventures on Empty Earth.

by Maksvell



Series: Stan and Rick fucked up adventures in (Insert universe here) [2]
Category: Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty
Genre: A Leather Thong, Create a Tv Tropes page of the fanfic Car Thief, Death, Drugs, For the cole slaw - Parks Prompt, Gang Violence, Green Raspberry Blood, I am wet as shit!, I'm wet as shit, Ice Cream, LITERALLY, M/M, Minor Character Death, Motorcycles, Rick is high as shit, Sadness, Science Bear - Freeform, Shotguns, Sno Cone Joe - Freeform, Sort Of, Stan goes though a lot of shit, Stanchez Summer Sizzle, Violence, Young Rick Sanchez (Rick and Morty), Young Stanley Pines (Gravity Falls), an alternate universe in which everything is gone, assault rifles, broken portal gun, crabs, empty world, for the hush puppies - beach prompt, meesseeks, stanchez, you gonna get crabs from this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-20 17:04:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11925330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maksvell/pseuds/Maksvell
Summary: Rick and Stan Happen upon an earth which has suffered an apocalypse that has killed all animal life, and they decide to turn it into a vacation spot.





	1. Day One.

They exited the portal to find that it had transported them to a random cul-de-sac, Rick found their new environment to be unsettling, to say the least. Maybe the air felt different, maybe he was perturbed by the fact that they were surrounded by derelict McMansions that looked as though nature was slowly reclaiming them. He took in an very loud breath through his nose and dug some kind of device from his bag, Stan watched as his wild haired boyfriend walked in circles around him and raised the device above his head, as though to get a better signal. 

“So uhh, where are we?”  
“Shhh.”

Rick stared intently at his hissing device and then at the little screen on his portal gun. Stan could have sworn that he could hear the gears inside Rick's head tick as he went through his personal list of dimensions. The wild eyed scientist then turned to his agitated lover.

“Waaanna check it out?”  
“Check what out?”  
“This dimension.”  
“What makes it so special?”

Rick slowly approached Stan, his hands grabbing his very broad shoulders and pulling him close.

“Stan, we’re the only living things on this version of Eaaarth. Well besides the plants.”

The two strolled out of the neighbourhood, looking through a few of the dilapidated houses as they walked, the eventually entered the town proper, greeted by cars piled neatly next to one in the middle of the road, as though their drivers just vanished one day, never to return. They stared at the congested road, with some sort of sadness about them, Stan was thinking about who owned the cars and where they could have gone, Rick, on the other hand, decided to put whatever he was thinking about into action. He sat down on the ground in front of the cars and started to dig various m components out of his bag and assemble them, as soon as he finished he let out a rather large belch.

“Staann, yer gonna want t-to move back.”  
“What? Why?  
“Truuust Me.”

Stan does as he is told and Rick joins him he aims the device at the cars, a large pulsating orb of bluish white energy forms on the barrel of the gun and makes a strange hollow metallic Thump as the ball of energy is shot at the pile up causing a small explosion which blast the cars out of their way and along the sides of the road, ruining many rotting buildings. The two men nearly burst from laughing after seeing what pure destruction that they are capable of.  
The two continue their walk through the charred street, they walked in silence for about an hour before coming to a used motorcycle dealership. They turned to look at one another, both of their faces bore a similar devilish grin. They skulked around the lot looking for a motorcycle that did not suffer as much weather damage as the cars that they passed by on the road. Before giving up on the bikes in the parking lot, Stan made the discovered that the door to the garage was unlocked. Moments later, Rick and Stan burst through the rotting wall of the garage.

The Kawasaki rocketed down the desolate highway, the roar of it's engine acted as the demented soundtrack of their journey. As he clung onto Rick’s waist Stan slipped a little tablet of blotter acid under his tongue. Stan doesn’t remember much from the ride, the one thing that he does remember is Rick saying something along the lines of, 

“I feel a little light headed maybe you should take over.”


	2. Day Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Sno Cone Joe

Stan woke up, he way lying down on a weathered couch, staring up at a massive mold spot on the ceiling. His eyes immediately darted from the mold spot to the corner of the dilapidated house, most of the wall had been consumed by a tangled web of green vines, each of which he guestimated was around an inch thick. It’s just a matter of time, he though, although if you were to ask him he wouldn’t be able to properly explain why he thought that. Suddenly his ears were bombarded by a very familiar sound, a sound that filled his mind with the pleasant summer memories of eating ice cream at the boardwalk with his brother, Stanford. It was iconic melody of an ice cream truck. He in some sort of manic stated believed it to be a dream and wandered out of the ramshackled McMansion to stop by it with an I don’t give a fuck attitude. He wandered out and flagged down the white tinted blue truck, which was covered in various spray painted smiley faces and a series of stickers of some blue headed mascot. He walked up to the side of the vehicle and the window slowly slid open, he found that the blue headed mascot was actually the thing operating it, although this blue being had a five o’clock shadow and a multitude of scars.

“That the hell do you want?”, asked the blue man in a high pitched but very masculine voice. Stan continued to operate under the it’s all a dream assumption.  
“Ummm ya got any…”  
He was cut off by the sudden sound of gunfire, and Rick screaming.  
“Sooonnn of a bitch!”

Stan ran for cover as the ice cream truck did a U-turn and slammed into another ice cream truck, he could hear glass shattering and the sound of bullets ripping through flesh, followed by the high pitched screams of the blue man. Stan hid against the side of the house, lacking any kind of weapon he was pretty useless in whatever weird confrontation this was. That’s when an ice cream truck pulled up next to him, he began to take off in a sprint only to stop once Rick assured that he was safe.

“StaAAAAAAANnnn! Get in the car  
Stan rushed into the car without a second though, his wild haired boyfriend was aiming an assault rifle out the window and firing indiscriminately at the other ice cream truck.  
“GEEEeeTTT SOOmmmE you limp dicked cock sucker!”  
“Jesus fuck Rick, what the hell is going on?”  
“I got really bored Stan, I Maaade these fuckers.”  
Rick gestured to the two blue beings in the front seats of the truck.  
“They’re a Coouple of meeseeks, that one too, buut something happened, he he now calls himself Sno Cooone Joe. and you know what Stan, all he knows is you don’t fuck with Sno Cone Joe.”  
“Rick what the fuck is wrong with you?”  
“Like you’ve never done anything violent and irrational when bored.”  
“Why is it trying to kill us?”  
“I wanted tooo Start an ice cream truck turf war.”  
“Why?”  
“It seemed fun at the time.”  
“well aint the meeseeks supposed to disappear after they do what you tell them to?”  
“Yeah well not Sno Cone Joe, I fucked with h-his brain to to make him a little violent, but now he wont disappear after fuuuulllfilling his purpose.”  
They jolt forward smacking their heads on the back of the seat, they hear a unified “too, da loo.”  
Before their two driver meeseeks vanish.  
“Shit shit shit.”  
Sno Cone Joe opens up the back door of the van a massive combat shotgun aimed at Rick and Stan.  
“Both of you out of the fucking truck now, GET OUT!”  
They both exit the truck, their hands raised above their heads.  
“You skinny, strip and lay down on the ground!”  
“Fuck you.”  
He shoots the shotgun off into the air, and Rick strips down and lays face down on the asphalt. 

"Sno Cone Joe doesn't fuck around."

“Don’t worry i’ll get us out of this.”

Sno Cone Joe slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Stan and starts to drive him back to his truck.

“Rick he’s taking me somewhere, RICK!”  
“Just do what he says, Dooont worry i’ll get us out of this.”  
“Rick he’s licking his lips weird it’s making me sick!”  
“Shmumana muminau!”

"Rick are you fucking High!?"


	3. Day Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The skinning and eating of Sno Cone Joe.

Stan awoke to find himself tied to a chair, in a dimly lit room, he took a look around the room seeing a single grey metal door and bare, filthy red brick walls surrounding him, and he could hear the gentle drip drip of water, like a leaky tap. He sat there and waited, moments later, the bastard meeseeks by the name of Sno Cone Joe, entered, this time he was wearing a leather thong for reasons that neither he nor Stan or even Rick knew.

“What is the point of this you little blue bastard? Ya overgrown smurf.”

Sno Cone Joe smacked Stan so hard that as he fell on his side, Stan could feel the chair loose some of its stability, but then the meeseeks started to kick at him further allowing the chair to come apart.

“No one fucks with Sno Cone Joe motherfuc…”

Stan didn’t allow him to finish, he broke the chair apart and impaled the Meeseeks’ head with one of the legs of the chair, it’s last clumsy words were, “Oh death...sweet beautiful perky death…” Stan stood above the body of the meeseeks feeling very confused as to what has just taken place. He walks out the door only to find another Meeseeks sitting in a comfy easy chair, smoking a fat cigar, and clutching the meeseeks box.  
“I can see that you’ve escaped Stan congratulations, you’ve made it to the “boss” level.”  
“What?”  
“Forget about it.”  
The meeseeks takes a puff of it’s cigar and stares longingly out the window.  
“Stanley do you know why we’ve kidnapped you?”  
Stan takes a breath before he answers only to be cut off by the noticeably decaying meeseeks.  
“Your boyfriend Rick fucked us up good. Things got weird far too quick, he made it to where we don’t evaporate upon completing our task, and yet we still allow ourselves to go along with our tasks in the hope that it ends with our inevitable death. Y’see existence…” he deeply breathes in the smoke of his cigar and exhales.  
“...is pain to a meeseeks Stan, right now I am in unimaginable pain, pain that will only be relie…”

Before the meeseeks can finish a massive harpoon crashes through the window and shoots into the meeseeks impaling him on the wall next to Stan, coating him in his mint green blood which Stan notes tastes kind of like raspberry juice. 

“Heeyyy Stan, I rescued you seeee.” shouts Rick as his sits next to the harpoon gun, surrounded by numerous empty bottles of Hennessey. 

Hours later after a long and silent drive home they walk into the lobby of a condominium and sit down at the desk, they look each other in the eyes, and their stoic silence is broken by their obnoxious laughter.


	4. Day Eight: Enter the Science Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the Rick-Centric chapter.

Smoke drifted from Rick’s mouth as he stared at the night sky, empty earth’s moon was almost obnoxiously close to the planet. Rick took a sip from his bottle of cheap watered down beer, he and Stan drank the entire town dry, and rather than moving on to find better booze they decided to stick around and drink the shitty stuff. He hears the door to the roof open, he could hear loud footsteps approaching him.  
“SAAaann i told you the rest of the hooch is in the fridge.”  
Rick was greeted with a loud obnoxious roar, he quickly leapt towards his portal gun only to be grabbed by the creature’s strangely human-like hands. Rick started to struggle, slashing at the monster’s hands with his filthy fingernails, he managed to land a few kick to it’s snout before it tossed him aside like a ragdoll.   
“Science Bear, you traitorous little bastard, I am your faaAAther, i am you god!”  
The beast towers over him, it rushes toward him on it’s spider-like legs, Rick disappears into the door that leads from the roof and into the building’s top floor. He slams the door shut only for the Science Bear’s man fist to smash through the oak barrier.   
“Son of a bitch!” shouts Rick as splinters stab him in the arm.  
“Stan?! Stan you bastard gEeet me the Cellular Evaporator!”  
After five seconds without a response Rick decides, fuck it and races down the stairs being followed closely by the eldritch horror that is the Science Bear. The creature’s disgustingly mismatched howls grew louder as Rick raced down the narrow door lined hallway, he ducked into room and quickly shuts the steel door. It’s about an inch thick, there's no way bastard’s breaking though it. It began to bang on the door. Rick began to work though everything he could do from within the room. He quickly gathered everything that was in the room, which was a bunch of knives and a pool cue. Rick slowly opens the door, a homemade spear in his hands.  
The Science Bear slowly entered the room growling it’s otherworldly growl, the two hunters circled around each other, although Rick’s growling was much louder than the bear’s.   
“Okay l-listen Science Bear, “  
The bear let out a confused grunt when Rick’s homemade spear dropped to the cold floor. Rick holds out his arms.  
“G-give paApa a HuUg.”

Stan wakes up, and wanders around the seemingly endless hall of doors until he finds one cracked open, inside Rick sits in a pile of cocaine, the white powder sticking to his blood covered body.  
“You alright?”  
“YaAAaah, I just had to tAake care of the Science Bear.”  
“Okay.”


	5. Day Twelve: The Violent tendencies of Dom Dom The Violator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick makes a beast to choke the shit out of him now it has to die, the question is do I give a fuck? Have we all collectively stopped giving a fuck? Who knows, let's have fun.

It was not the first time in his life that he, Stanley Pines has woken up by the sound of some dangerous lunatic playing with an assault rifle and it most certainly wouldn’t be the last, although this time the gunshots were accompanied by a loud and very angry voice shouting,

“WHAT’S THE SAFE WORD?”

The phrase which would be followed by the high pitched sound of a Meeseeks getting torn apart, Stan clumsily stumbled out of his cum and booze-stained sheets, and out of the Greek temple that he and Rick decided to reside in for this week, he then spent the next few minutes digging around said filthy sheets looking for his .44 magnum, the screams of the Meeseeks’ and Rick’s manic laughter acted as the scene’s insidious score. He discovered Rick crouching behind a large overturned table an FN SCAR cradled in his arms like it’s an infant, he quickly rushed to his side, he could smell the stench of rum and coffee on his breath.

“Staaannn, glad y-you could make it.”  
“What have you done now knucklehead?”  
“R-remember how I said that I can’t cum when you choke me?”  
“I don’t really like where this is going, Sanchez.”  
“geEEeet a load of that monster.”

Stan peeks over the table, his eyes widening at the horrible sight, a massive sickly pale, green-skinned behemoth covered purple and green welts and wearing a black leather smooth spike covered bondage harness stands on top a pile of screaming Meeseeks bodies, in it’s cinderblock sized hands it holds a Meeseeks who desperately pleads for it’s torment to end.

“WHAT’S THE SAFE WORD?”  
“R-raspberry?”

With a mighty shriek, the monster ripped the Meeseeks’ lower body in half by it’s legs, the scream that the blue-skinned creature made will haunt Stanley until the day that he dies.

“Rick what the hell is wrong with you, what’s wrong with that thing? This is fucked.”  
“I needed s-soOOOoomthing that could ch-choke the shit out of me.”  
“Why is it asking for a safeword?  
“I don’t know I-i-i was blackout drunk when i made it, the point is Stan, I-i maAAAde the Meeseeks come through the dictionary looking for the word.”  
“Let’s get out of here.”  
“Wheerrre to?”

Rick dug his portal gun out of his bag only for a mutilated Meeseeks to fly right past them, it’s limp, electric indigo body knocked the device from his hand and crushed it between it’s body and the wall that it collided with

They starred the irreparably damaged portal gun for what seemed like hours, the beast’s roars seemed to become as quiet as the cooing of an infant, their minds raced with thoughts about what was going on. Stan nearly vomited out of shock, the prospect of being stuck on the empty earth was unfathomable, Rick’s mind flooded with thoughts about how to get out how to get away, and possible solutions all of which were met with another thought which informed him of how impossible it would be to fix it.

“We’re fucked.”, the words that left RIcks were sound and assured, they were as he said. They were fucked. He turned behind him to see that one of the Meeseeks had finally guessed the correct safe word, the beast, Dom Dom the Violator was dead, it’s artificially created heart burst like a water balloon filled with horrible rancid blood. Rick pounded his fist against the limestone wall of the temple.  
“Goddamn it! GOOOOD F-FUCKING DAMN IT!”

He felt his blood slowly trickle down his knuckles as he started to hyperventilate, he grabbed at his face and began to walk around, cursing it all. Stan walked up close behind him, his big arms wrapping around his boyfriend’s thin body. He leaned onto him onto him in an attempt to calm him down. After a few minutes, they collapsed onto the ground.

“Don’t worry Rick, you’ll get us out of this don’t you worry.”  
“G-goddamn it Stan I fucked us, we’re stuck here.”

Tears began to stream down Rick’s face, he can’t bear it, he just can’t handle it.

“Shhh shhhhh shhhh, hey, hey Rick, look at me.”

Rick looks into his boyfriend’s beautiful brown eyes, his own were red due to spending far too much time crying. 

“You’ll get us out of this, I trust you.”


	6. Boy Neptune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan and Rick have a child.

Everything went pear-shaped when Rick built a new portal gun. It took him two weeks, but he finally completed it. It was a warm spring day, and Stan was lounging on a moldy couch in some motel in Athens. Rick burst into the room, a pick-ax in one hand and a massive, ramshackle portal gun in the other. Stan looked at him with a mixture of annoyance and interest.   
"Staaaaaannnn! Stanny. Stan t-the man, I built us a new portal gun. Let's go!"  
Stan dwelled upon the idea, he had grown comfortable, living in dilapidated Grecian buildings, he had been living comfortably like that for two weeks, and then all of the sudden a spark of creativity hits Rick and he's ready to get up and go. His thought process was soon interrupted by a massive claw slicing through the apartment. He looked up and watched it rise into the air. Somehow this was Rick's fault. The two men fled the once safe space of the apartment, and looked up at the massive crab that practically blocked out the sun. The crab then made a loud, SQUISH before falling into the ground. On top of it's stupid crab body was a 5'2 humanoid who looked like an unholy mixture of Stan and Rick. He started to hit the crab making a series of unintelligible, frustrated noises. Stan's eyes widened as he looked upon the strange creature before him.   
"Staaaannn, I'd like to introduce you to our son, Neptune.", He said as he wrapped an arm around the short abominations, who raised his little malformed head and made a pleased hiss at Stan.  
Stan vomited a little in his mouth, and then force himself to swallow it. "Rick. What the fuck?"  
"I took out DNA, a-and I put it into a matrix, then put that into an artificial w-womb, which in turn have half-life to lil 'Tuni here."  
"How the hell do you give something half a life Sanchez?"  
" Well, y-you seeee, Stan this little guy's lungs and spine were s-slowly being sandwiched between alllllll the tumors that riddle his frail little body. " Rick lifted up Neptune and showed Stan the road map of Missouri that were the various wires, scars, and bits of under, and over the skin metals that riddled his back.   
"What's wrong with his back?" , asked Stan who found himself to be on the verge of crying and vomiting.  
"Well, Stan it's, it's apparently, "morally wrong" to bring something into the world only to let it die. Soooo, I pumped his little ass full of adrenaline , and filled his body with a whole host of cybernetics. O-oh and I removed his nervous system. "  
"Okay...Why did you remove his nervous system?"  
" To keep him being able to feel pain, duh, said doi. "  
"Why would you need that?"  
"Because what's the point of being immortal, w-while a also being in blinding pain?"  
"I need a full list of things you did to the kid. "  
" Our kid. Well, I-in addition to the other wacky things I did to him, I also have given him mental implants to a-allow him to rearrange the atoms of this universe to create life. "  
"What? Why?"  
"I got bored, this world is so bleak, So I thought, 'hey, why not create a god.' So I did, he seems a l-little obsessed with crabs at the moment. But I think it's a phase."  
"Why didn't you ask me?"  
" What? "  
"Y'know, to use part of me for your...our...the kid."  
"You would have said no."  
" Maybe, I mean we should have at least talked first. "  
"Okay, I-I'll admit, it is a bit of a fuck up on my end, but there's no undoing it, he's here, he's like fifteen days old, a-and I was planning on leaving him here in Greece as soon as we portaled back to the States. But, the he made the crab and ruined everything...look I'm sorry."  
Stan let out a disgruntled sigh, "Jesus, well what do we do now?"   
"Leave the kid here, wait for his creations to reach the States, leave before they arrive."  
"It just doesn't feel right. I mean he should have some idea of who we are, right?"  
" Y-you know, that's a great idea. "  
The next hour passed, and little Neptune found that his father tattooed the image of himself and his other father in the center of a huge heart on his chest. When Stan saw it he exchanged looks with Rick. Rick had a dopey smile on his face, and Stan looked very disappointed.   
"You're a bad father."  
" What do you mean? "  
"Well I don't think good dads let their kids get tattoos."  
"Agree to disagree, I'm a very cool dad."  
Neptune waddled over to Stan and began to give him a little hug. He let go and began to walk into the ocean. And as he walked he forced the universe's atoms to form a massive amphibious eel. Upon the back of which he road to destinations unknown.  
"Hot Belgian waffles, that kid is scary."  
" I know right? H-he made my blood run colder than ice. "  
"I kind of hope he doesn't turn up again, I feel like he's like a little Charlie Manson."  
The two lovers then portaled out of the land that was formerly known as Greece, and destinations all their own.


End file.
